you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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