My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
