I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We're too hungover to prance.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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