I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
