Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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