my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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