the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
