You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize