True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
