I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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