Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
