He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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