I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
