Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
True strength comes from lack of pants
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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