Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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