I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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