I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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