I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
