It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize