I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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