Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
