Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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