i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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