the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
