I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
