there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize