its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I smell like Dick and happiness
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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