Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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