god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i think my cat just said my name.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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