she woke up with a sticky ear
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize