I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
