I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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