I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
