the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
