Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize