I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize