xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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