Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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