Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
