nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
