he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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