Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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