just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
