Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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