Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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