Old men and throwing up are my life now.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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