I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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