Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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