I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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