if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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