she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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