p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
