i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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