Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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