He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
