Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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