Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize