Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize