god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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