My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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