Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
