A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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