I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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