I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
