Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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