Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
