Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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