I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize