My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
whose ass print is on the piano?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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